Making Things Happen and Enjoying Letting Things Fall Into Place…

This essay originally appeared in the Monday morning newsletter on 9/20/21.

The other week, I went downtown to meet some friends for a Friday night dinner. Rather than pay for a surcharged Uber, I hopped on the bus and indulged myself in the peaceful experience of looking out the window and appreciating the scenes from what used to be my daily commute pre-COVID (yes, it was a very “main character” moment). Knowing the bus route would get me to my destination, I sat back and enjoyed the ride.  

As I jumped off the bus and walked to the restaurant, I thought about how the whole experience could’ve been different. Instead of enjoying and marveling in the things around me, I could’ve instead focused on how long the ride was taking. In this scenario, I probably would’ve been sitting uptight with a strained neck, trying to make sure we were headed in the right direction and avoiding any pitfalls like traffic, potholes or dead ends. I would’ve still ended up where I was going, but I would’ve arrived stressed and grumpy, unaware of the delightful experience I missed out on.

The difference between these two approaches is something I’ve been thinking about lately, and especially thinking about in terms of how I navigate being single. 

Have you ever heard of something called “arrival fallacy?” (If you haven’t, I loved this article by The Atlantic’s Arthur Brooks on it.) Arrival fallacy is a term given to the illusion that once we make it to a certain goal or reach a certain destination, we will be happy. Said another way, it’s thinking “I’ll be happy when…” 

“I’ll be happy when…” is a phrase we’ve probably all said to ourselves from time to time. And to be fair, I don’t think it’s all bad. The thinking can be a powerful tool to keep us hopeful in spite of negative experiences. But overall, the act of putting happiness on hold until a later date is something that can leave us disappointed again and again. 

In this fascinating article, author and designer Ingrid Fetell Lee writes about breaking the habit of saying “I’ll be happy when…” in order to find more joy. As she writes, “every time we say to ourselves ‘I’ll be happy when…’ what we’re really saying is ‘I can’t be happy now.’” Um, wow. 

The idea of arrival fallacy can be applied to so many circumstances – waiting for a new job, a new living arrangement, the weekend – but in my life, where I feel it creep in most is when I think about my relationship status… or lack thereof.

I’ve been wanting to write about this idea for a while, but I’m always hesitant to write about navigating being single because, to be honest, I feel like I don’t have it all figured “out.” But on the flip side, one of my favorite things about writing this newsletter is that it encapsulates a moment in time as I share what’s working for me right now. 

And what’s working for me right now is breaking the habit of thinking “I’ll be happy when…” and instead replacing the thought with the question of “How will I wish I used this time?” 

I imagine in the distant future, when I am *hopefully* in the throes of children and family life, I’ll think back longingly on this time and remember my long Sunday walks along the Chicago lakefront, eating dinner at a restaurant’s bar with an amazing, book, spontaneous escapades with friends, and lazy Saturday mornings in bed with mindless magazines and coffee. What I know for certain is that I won’t want to look back and think about all the time I spent worrying, plotting and yearning for things to fall into place. 

Sometimes I get myself confused. I like working hard to make things happen. But I also know there are some things I can’t make happen. I have to let some things happen.

Like the bus ride for example (love an analogy). Once I was on the bus, I had to let the rest of the trip happen. I wasn’t driving the bus. I didn’t have control over things like traffic or roadblocks.

But what I did have control over is an ability to nudge myself in the right direction (had to gather bus fare and actually get on the bus) and to focus on my perspective (enjoying looking out the window and seeing how the ride unfolded). 

There are two quotes that come to mind when I think about this. The first is a well-known one from Eleanor Roosevelt, which reads, “Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.” And the second is from Henri J.M. Nouwen. That one reads, “Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.”

These quotes remind me that my hopes and dreams for the future are so special, but today – yes, a Monday – is also special. Today is a chance to nudge myself in the general direction I want to go, and then sit back and find enjoyment in seeing how things fall into place. How exciting! I know things won’t unfold perfectly or according to my schedule (I’m sure there’s plenty of those of potholes, traffic jams and dead ends in my future), but that doesn’t mean I can’t indulge myself in creating some joyful moments to experience now.

What do you think? How would you create a joyful moment right now? 

Happy Monday, friends. Here’s to creating some joy in our Mondays and using our time today in a way that we’ll be glad for in the future.

Want to receive a note like this to your inbox every Monday at 6 AM EST? Sign up here! If you don’t receive the email, please check your spam or junk folder. 

Have feedback, thoughts or a question you want addressed in an upcoming newsletter? Drop an anonymous note to my mailbox here!