Why Do We Think of Someone More Fondly After Reading a Memoir or Watching a Documentary?
This essay originally appeared in the Monday morning newsletter on 2/3/20.
Do you find yourself thinking of someone more fondly after reading their memoir or watching a documentary about them? Why is that?
My mom and I watched the Taylor Swift documentary this weekend. Once it ended, we found ourselves thinking about her with a new level of admiration and re-thinking some of our perceptions about her that had been shaped by the headlines.
I’ve had similar reactions recently toward Michelle Obama after reading Becoming and even experienced it with the fictional main character in The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, which is a book about a movie star’s memoir.
I think the reason biographies, documentaries and memoirs have the power to evoke new feelings in us is because they give us the opportunity to learn the full story.
Humans are not one dimensional. When we learn about someone’s full story, we transcend past the one-dimensional headlines and highlight reels and gain exposure to a 3-D version. We are able to better draw the connection from a person’s actions to their intentions, which are likely influenced from past experiences.
Learning more about someone’s story can bring positive by-products for us too. When we take time to understand where someone is coming from and see a situation from their point of view, we typically release some negative feelings (like annoyance, resentment, hatred) for more pleasant, positive feelings (like empathy, tolerance and understanding).
This is powerful stuff. But how can this relate to our everyday life? Let’s consider these three ideas:
- When you don’t understand someone’s actions, try thinking about the full story before reaching for a negative feeling. This is not to say that you should excuse bad behavior or accept being treated poorly. But the next time you are frustrated with someone (either in your life or from afar) and feel like you can’t understand why they do the things they do, consider the fact that you are seeing the surface level. What’s frustrating you may be the result of something that’s out of the person’s control. Knowing this may make you more empathetic and make the whole situation more tolerable.
- Consider how your own actions are influenced by your story. All of this applies to us too. What’s our story? How do our past experiences impact how we act today? Are we proud of what we are subliminally communicating through our everyday actions?
- There is power in sharing your story. This weekend I’ve seen so many people sharing how they related to the vulnerable topics Taylor Swift discussed in her documentary. Two of the most powerful words, especially when we’re struggling, are “me too.” We all have a unique story based on our life experiences and when we reveal our stories (where appropriate), we may give someone else the chance to recognize themselves in our story, relate to us and feel a little less alone. I also like knowing that the next time I go through something hard, I can find the tiniest bit of comfort in reminding myself that I’m also actively writing another defining part of my story. I can remind myself that these challenges and this part of my story may help someone else one day.
What do you think? What would your week look like if you thought about the above three points throughout this week?
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