What I Learned From Not Making the Tennis Team
This essay originally appeared in the Monday morning newsletter on 5/18/20.
Do you remember freshman year of high school and wanting nothing more than to “fit in and belong?”
For me, I was convinced that I needed to play a sport to fit in. I can so clearly remember sitting in homeroom during orientation and playing an ice breaker where you introduced yourself, the school you came from and the sport you played.
Honestly, the last question was probably different. But to my self-conscious, 14-year-old self, it felt like EVERYONE in the room answered with a sport. So, when it was my turn, I took the cue and confidently announced, “Hi, I’m Megan and I play tennis!”
The only problem? Aside from a few summer camps and beginner workshops, I had never actually played on a tennis team or participated in a match. These were just “minor details” to freshman-year-me though. All that mattered was that I found my ticket to being successful in high school! I just had to make the tennis team and then I would instantly fit in and belong, right?
Tryouts rolled around and I strutted onto the tennis court in my new outfit ready to become “an athlete.” However, due to my lack of coordination and limited physical ability, tryouts were a disaster and I was cut after the first day.
What I didn’t know then was not making the tennis team would actually teach me a very valuable lesson: how to define success on my own terms.
Because this grand plan didn’t work out as expected, I decided to instead focus on what was in my control. I honed in on my interests instead of my friends’ interests. I ended up joining the school’s yearbook staff, where I was able to develop my love of communicating with others through writing, leading a team and preparing a project for launch. And as a bonus, I didn’t need to buy a new wardrobe or reinvent myself.
Yearbook filled my four years with memorable friends and opportunities and ultimately led me to declare a PR major in college. I even ended up using the story of not making the tennis team and learning to “define success on my own terms” as the topic for college essay when I applied to (and was later accepted to) my dream school. Talk about full circle!
Maybe you came into quarantine with a preconceived notion of how you would spend this time. Maybe you are like me and experienced overwhelm those first couple weeks from the conflicting messages on the internet that told us we need to be productive with this time and also please stop being productive. And then I would feel bad for taking time to dwell on these thoughts at a time when people have real-life worries like a sick family member or being furloughed from a job. And what about the people who don’t even have time to think about these things because they are an essential or frontline worker or parent of small children?! Hello, crazy shame spiral!
I felt confused when what calmed a friend didn’t work for me and vice versa. I wondered why things like watching reality TV shows or listening to pop culture podcasts, both things that used to be my “fun escape” pre-COVID, weren’t resonating with me now.
And then I listened to an episode of Brene Brown’s podcast where she talks about how we respond to stress and anxiety by either “over functioning” or “under functioning.” Neither is good or bad, right or wrong- it just is what it is. If you are interested in more about that topic, I found this article to be really insightful.
After hearing this, I felt seen. And I remembered the important lesson I learned from not making the tennis team. Instead of trying to do whatever worked for everyone else, I should focus instead on defining what it means to “survive this time” on my terms.
Why? Because if this over/under functioning framework can help me acknowledge and manage my anxious feelings, I can move a little closer to my best self. And when I’m closer to my best self, I am a better family member, a better friend, a better co-worker and can show up more for those in need.
Additionally, the idea of over/under functioning resonated with me for a couple of reasons:
- It gave me permission to lean into certain activities and opt out of others in a healthy way. I know myself. I know I thrive on routine, staying busy and crossing things off lists. So, what do I do when pillars of my routine are gone and my calendar is wiped clean of my usual activities? After the podcast episode ended, I was invigorated to infuse some meaning into my day, in my own way. I wrote down a new morning routine, bought a new journal and started mapping out my weeks with things I could cross off like daily exercise, how much water I was drinking and when I was doing laundry. When I found myself not enjoying a certain podcast or TV show like I used to, I turned it off mid-episode without feeling guilty and moved on to something else.
- It helped me understand that what works for me, may not work for other people. And vice versa. When I joined yearbook, my friends who played sports were just as excited as me about it. And just because sports weren’t for me doesn’t mean I wasn’t in the stands cheering on my friends. Maybe you just read about me geeking out about a new routine and thought about how that would make you feel more anxious than in control. That is totally fine! Most important thing is to find what makes YOU feel good and lean in to that.
- It brought to light how I react to stressful situations in an unhealthy way. The last takeaway I had was hoping I use this in future situations. I hope I’m self-aware enough to catch myself the next time I am in a stressful situation and begin to “overfunction” in an unhealthy way (i.e. shut down my emotions, tell people what to do and micromanage). Just because my first instinct is to spring into action and make a plan doesn’t mean it’s what the person next to me wants to do and I need to respect that.
So, what about you? Consider asking yourself these three questions:
- Think about the last time you were in a stressful situation. Did you have a tendency to jump to a place of “over functioning” or “under functioning?”
- What are some of the things you’ve done to cope during this time?
- Do those coping mechanisms align with the personality type you identified with in option 1? If not, maybe try something else. For example, maybe you went for a run thinking it would make you feel more energized, but it instead zapped all the energy out of you for the rest of the day. Or maybe you watched a movie or a Netflix series to relax, but instead felt more anxious after. Pay attention to these cues.
After all, today is a new day and marks the beginning of a new week. And it could be the perfect time to try out some new habits and see how you define surviving this time on your own terms. You’ve got this!
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