Setting the Tone
This essay initially appeared in the Monday morning newsletter on 7/24/23.
At some point over the past four months, you’ve probably seen some coverage about Taylor Swift’s Eras concert. Three hours of music from the past 17 years/10 albums, sold out stadiums across the country (and now world), and news cycle after news cycle about happenings at various shows.
I was able to go to one of the Chicago night – and yes – it was incredible. I had high expectations and it truly exceeded all expectations. I feel like I’ve “grown up” alongside her music (she was my first concert back in 2008; the song Fifteen came out when I WAS 15 – vivid memories of singing along to it as my mom drove me to school), so it was very special to experience a sampling of all her music .
There’s one aspect of Taylor Swift’s approach to her concert that really intrigues me though – her love of what she calls a “Rain Show.”
Performing in as many outdoor stadiums as she has, she’s had her share of inclement weather literally raining on her parade. What I really admire is how she takes something that is less than ideal (three hours of sitting/dancing/singing in the rain?! Oof.) and turns it into something that is dubbed a “special shared experience.” From how she talks about the shows on social media – example, example, example – to not changing the show’s choreography and more, she makes “Rain Shows” something exciting and special, rather than the short end of the stick.
It got me thinking about how powerful it is to “set the tone.”
This theme of “setting the tone” appeared last week at work too. I was reviewing submissions for something I was working on. In one, when asked about the best advice received, the submitter responded: “(Try to) stay calm even when the situation is tough, or you face unexpected ‘turbulences.’ That way everybody can think about best solutions to move forward and collaborate easily.”
In other words, setting the tone is powerful. I stopped what I was doing this and jotted this quote down for myself.
This is not something I’m exceptionally great at. I can be reactive and dramatic. I can let expectations build up in my head (without that crucial step of actually communicating to others) and be upset when things go awry.
But I want to be better about remembering I can set the tone. Even when things are out of my control or I’m not in charge, the energy (good or bad) I bring is still contagious.
Reflecting on this idea this weekend, I thought of three small things I could do to be more intentional about setting the tone. All three are small things and all three are inspired by something I’ve seen recently, but I think done one-off or together could make a big impact: 1) Take a breath. This is the hardest for me, but I think about a quote attributed to Viktor Frankl: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.” The more I can think about things as stimulus – SPACE – response (vs. stimulus-response), the easier it is for me to think about setting the tone. Not easy! But a good reminder and good aim.
2) Zoom out. I recently read the book Advika and The Hollywood Wives. While I didn’t love the book overall, I did like an aspect of the writing. The main character and narrator – Advika – is an aspiring screenplay writer. In the book, she would sometimes narrate what was happening as if she was seeing it through the lens of a script. It made me think about how when I’m experiencing a “stimulus,” zooming out and seeing the situation from above/a third-party point of view, could help identify the tone I want to set. It feels like a funny exercise to do (thinking about yourself in the third person?? How weird.), but if it helps me chose a response that’s more aligned with who I want to be, I’m in.
3) Start small. Setting the tone can feel ambiguous. One thing I know for sure is that when things feel overwhelming or ambiguous, go small. Recently I saw a comment in this blog post that was an incredible tip for alleviating social anxiety. The comment read: “When I feel nervous about a social situation, I try and remind myself to focus on making sure others have a great time, and to draw someone out who seems to feel out of place. I have told my children this many times when they haven’t wanted to attend an event they need to be at: “Just make sure _________ (a friend with a special need/ someone struggling) has a good time. That can be your purpose.”…This strategy has served me well my whole life.” Wow! I think it could be applied to setting the tone as well. As I go through my day or enter a new situation, I’m carrying this prompt with me, because even thinking about the tone I want to set for just one person, can have a magnanimous effect.
What do you think? Do you think “setting the tone” can be powerful and are there any tools you reply on to do so?