Monday, 2/1/21: Talking about negative thoughts leading to happier resolutions and a quote for February
Happy Monday!
And Happy February! It’s a new week, which means it’s time for your next Monday motivation newsletter. Read on below for some steps to a happier Monday, a short story and a roundup of positive thoughts to get your week started.
Three Steps to a Happier Monday
Each newsletter starts with three prompts to inspire gratitude and simple intention setting. Take a moment and jot down answers to these three questions. To give an example, I share my answers below.
Step 1: What are three things I appreciated from the weekend?
Step 2: What is one thing I can be excited about today?
Step 3: What is my intention for this week?
GRATITUDE: From my weekend, I am thankful for a video chat with two friends on Saturday, lunch with my mom on Saturday and time to sleep in.
TODAY: Today I’m most excited about it being the first of the month on a Monday – just feels right!
INTENTION: My intention for this week is to reach out and connect with one friend each day.
Okay, your turn! And if you want to share your three steps, I am all ears. 🙂
Lesson of the Week: Thinking Negatively to Feel Happy
What if you heard that in order to make progress toward a goal or a New Year’s resolution, thinking only positive thoughts could actually be hindering your efforts instead of helping?
Sounds counterintuitive, right? That’s what I thought too when I first heard about NYU Psychology Professor Gabriele Oettingen’s four-step process, pithily called “WOOP.” Drawing on her more than twenty years of research in the science of motivation, WOOP was created to help make any goal (including a New Year’s resolution) a reality.
The framework aims to combine dreams and reality by bringing positive thinking up against a visualization of the challenges. The letters in WOOP stand for:
- Wish: You formulate a wish that is close to your heart, but at the same time, feasible.
- Outcome: You identify the best outcome. What’s the best thing that would happen if you fulfill your wish?
- Obstacle: Then, you switch gears and identify your main obstacle. What external, internal or self-created obstacles could block your progress?
- Plan: Lastly, you make an “if [obstacle], then I will [action] to overcome obstacle” plan.
When I first read about this idea, I was doubtful. This goes against everything I’ve always done. Why would I put effort into thinking less about the positives and more about the negatives? What good would that do? But as I continued to read more about this “mental contrasting with implementation intentions,” as Oettingen also calls it, I became more curious.
If Oettingen’s studies have shown that children have done better at school, people have eaten better and exercised more regularly and couples have communicated better – all because of WOOP – could this framework work for me too? Given the fact that, on average, 80% of all New Year’s resolution fail by the second week of February, maybe following a counterintuitive process is just what we need to get our resolutions to stick?
For me, I thought about applying “WOOP” to a resolution I’ve never been able to follow through on… a resolution about dating and meeting new people. When it comes to thinking about the resolution, I’ve got the “wish” and “outcome” part of WOOP down. But this framework made me realize I’ve never intentionally thought about the potential obstacles I could (and likely will) encounter. I always just hope for the best. When thinking about this, I grasped what Oettingen meant when she warns against “the dangers of positive thinking.” As she says in this interview, positively visualizing wishes and outcomes “aren’t bad things at all because they are the beginning of action. But they are only the beginning. They give action the direction, but they don’t give action the necessary energy.”
Maybe this is why so many New Year’s resolutions fail. Thanks to our positive dreaming, we have the direction we want to head, but we lack the energy to deal with the inevitable obstacles in our path.
As WOOP outlines, obstacles are identified by looking inward, being honest with yourself and leaving behind excuses. Am I willing to go to sleep earlier so I can work out in the morning? Do I want to spend my weekends preparing for the GRE and applying to that graduate program? Do I have the courage and self-confidence to represent myself in a job interview?
Even though it is not inherently “joyful” to think about these things, identifying the main obstacle allows you to then formulate an if-then plan for how to overcome. If [XYZ happens or I feel XYZ], then I [will XYZ action].
This process not only helps us make progress toward achieving goals, but I think it also help us recognize which goals are actually attainable. After working through the four steps, you may realize that, at least for right now, there’s not a viable plan that’s worth overcoming the obstacle ahead and you’d rather direct energy toward a different resolution. Talk about saving yourself from emotional turmoil later on.
As I worked through “obstacle” and “plan” for my resolution about dating, I was able to pull back the excuses and identify that the biggest obstacle in my way is trepidation around the possibility of rejection. With hindsight being 2020 (can we even say that anymore?), I can see how this trepidation has prevented me from making progress previously. I visualize my wish/outcome and work up the courage to message or meet someone new. For one reason or another, if it doesn’t work out, I feel the rejection and, lacking the energy to deal with it, I throw in the towel on the resolution. After all, it’s a lot more comfortable to just daydream about the wish and outcome.
But what if I approached the situation differently this year, armed with an if-then plan? To figure out my if-then plan, I had to think about the situation objectively. When I took a step back, I was able to realize that, in the absence of the fear emotions, there’s really nothing to lose. I’ll either meet someone & make a connection (great! I’ll be one step ahead of where I am now) or I’ll meet someone & something won’t work out (that’s ok! I’ll be at the same place as I am right now). Either way, the only way to “lose” is to miss out on the opportunity altogether.
So, my formulated if-then plan became: If I feel that trepidatious feeling, then I will remind myself: give this a chance, there’s nothing to lose. I could already see how this could work!
At the end of the day, resolutions might not resonate with everyone, but if they resonate with you, maybe you’ll consider testing out this framework. We’re happiest when we’re living out our values or when we are living in such a way that we find worthy of our own respect, so I know what it feels like to be let down when a resolution doesn’t stick. I’d never thought I’d be writing this, but maybe in order to feel the happiness that comes with achieving a resolution or goal, we must first spend time thinking negatively.
With the fresh start of a new month, it’s worth a shot, right?
For more on WOOP and Professor Oettingen’s work, check out https://woopmylife.org/ and her book, Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation.
On My Monday Radar
Sometimes we just aren’t ready to jump into our Monday to-do list right away. In case you want some content to procrastinate with, here is a roundup of a few positive things on my radar:
- February’s quote + free phone background! February’s quote comes from author Julie Connor and reads, “Do the next right thing and the next right step will reveal itself to you.” I wanted a constant reminder of the quote, so I made a background for my phone and am sharing it here today in case you like it as well. To download it, view this email on your phone, click on the link, click and hold on the photo to save the image and then scale it accordingly to your phone’s wallpaper.
- This article on the loss of weak ties during the pandemic resonated with me. This article put into words something I didn’t even realize I was missing: those “weak ties” that used to be scattered throughout my daily routine. As the article reads, “The pandemic has evaporated entire categories of friendship, and by doing so, depleted the joys that make up a human life—and buoy human health. But that does present an opportunity. In the coming months, as we begin to add people back into our lives, we’ll now know what it’s like to be without them.”
- Loved this podcast episode with Brené Brown and Emmanuel Acho. As Brené told Emmanuel in the episode, everything he says is “good and clear” and I couldn’t agree more. Definitely worth a listen.
- I read this YA thriller in a matter a days last week. They Wish They Were Us follows Long Island prep student Jill Newman as she uncovers what really happened to her best friend, Shaila Arnold, who Jill believes was killed by Shaila’s boyfriend, Graham Calloway. I felt the book was lacking a bit on the diversity front, but I was really excited to see that a TV series based on the book (called “The Players Table”) is now in development, so hopeful there will be more representation on the small screen.
- Have any tips to share for cultivating a happier Monday? All this month I’ll be collecting tips, tricks and feedback on how you pursue a lighter Monday, if you are so inclined to share, as part of the first installment of the Lighter & Brighter series. As shared last week, all reactions will be shared in the newsletter on the last Monday of this month. Can’t wait!
That’s all for today! I hope you found something in today’s newsletter that sparked motivation, made you smile or inspired a positive Monday thought. Don’t underestimate the power of starting small… a fulfilling week starts with just one fulfilling day. You’ve got this!
Let’s make it a great Monday!
Megan
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