Lighter & Brighter Series 05: Long-Distance Friendships

This post originally appeared in the Monday morning newsletter on 9/27/21.

For the past couple weeks, I’ve experimented with taking a break from social media. After reading both Digital Minimalism and Deep Work in August (which advocate for a 30-day “digital detox” to help with time management and focus), I was curious about it and thought September would be a perfect opportunity since I wanted to free up some time as I settled into a new role at work.

Last weekend was the first time I logged into the apps in a few weeks, and I have to be honest, I’m surprised with how little I missed social media. I wouldn’t say I’m anti-social media or thinking about swearing off the apps for good, but my experience is definitely making me think twice about how I want to re-integrate the platforms back into my life.

In my opinion, one of the best parts about social media is how it’s allowed me to stay connected with friends who live far away. After moving from Florida to Chicago, I’ve come to rely on Instagram, Snapchat and the likes to keep me updated on what my friends are up to in their cities of D.C., San Antonio, St. Petersburg and more.

During my month of no social media, I worried about missing out on this connection. But I’m surprised to say that I’m actually walking away from the month feeling closer to some friends and family who live far away. It’s almost like without social media as a given way to stay in touch, I had to be more intentional and active, which in turn led to some deeper engagements. 

For example, there was a weekend in September when a couple of my friends were at a wedding. Because I couldn’t watch the Instagram stories to see the shenanigans or outfits, I texted a group chat and asked for pictures. Instead of viewing photos from afar or sending “likes,” we ended up having a wonderful exchange in this group chat and hearing some hilarious, and heartwarming, stories about the wedding. From this little interaction, I gained so much more than passively scrolling on social.

And on another night, I was winding down after work and killing time before bed. I was restless and didn’t feel like watching TV or reading my book. To be completely honest, all I wanted to do was collapse on my couch and escape into my Instagram feed. Without that as an option, I ended up calling my younger brother to catch up and see how the start of his fall semester was going. We had a great, fun conversation and I went to bed that night feeling so filled up.

It’s interesting to think about the flipside of both of these examples, if I hadn’t been off social media. In both instances, I probably would’ve defaulted to more easy accessible, albeit shallow, interactions with friends on social media. Sure, the interactions would’ve made me feel close to friends in the moment, but the feeling also would’ve faded just as fast. One thing is for sure… the interactions certainly wouldn’t have been memorable enough to write about today.

It can be tough to maintain long-distance friendships. Life gets busy, priorities change and sometimes it can feel like too much time has passed. I know I definitely haven’t been the best at always keeping touch with friends who live far away, but inspired by some of the connections I’ve made during my time off social media, I want to apply what I’ve learned and do a better job moving forward.

I’m sure many of you are also trying to keep in touch with friends who live far away, so I thought the topic of “long-distance friendships” could be the perfect next topic for the Lighter & Brighter series. (If you are new around here – welcome! – the L&B series is like a monthly book club discussion… but instead of books we focus on small everyday shifts that makes things easier and more enjoyable. Read past ones here!).

I can’t wait to hear your thoughts. So far, here are the four things I want to start doing, inspired by my month of no social media, to maintain closer relationships with friends who live far away:

1. When I see an accomplishment or exciting update, I want to send a text or a message without delay. One of my favorite things about social media is seeing these huge life moments – like graduations, new jobs, engagements, babies and more – that I might not have known about if not for seeing a post. Based on my experience this past month, I want to challenge myself to immediately send a quick message of congratulations in addition to or instead of a “like” or a “comment” on the post. And I want to do it without delay… I don’t want to spend time thinking about the last time I contacted this friend or the right way to say things. I just want to message them right away. I know little gestures like these make a difference over time and will inspire moments of connection with friends, and with people who I’ve fallen out of touch with.
2. Speaking of celebrating, I’m going all-in on birthdays. I LOVE birthdays. Whether it’s my birthday or a friend’s birthday, I just love the special annual opportunity to celebrate someone. I want to get better about looking at my calendar in advance, making note of which friends have birthdays coming up and getting a simple plan in place. Sending a card, giving them a call to catch up or having Uber Eats deliver a sweet treat are all such easy things that make room for offline connection.
3. Be ready to say yes to the trip. This one is inspired by this past weekend (although I did write about the power of trips with friends in one of my earliest newsletters!) more than my time off social media. I was with a group of friends from college in Gainesville for the UF v. Tennessee football game. We took many walks down memory lane, bought matching shirts at our favorite bar, and laughed a TON. It was just the best. Trips are amazing for long-distance friendships. Beyond just the benefit of connecting, they also provide the opportunity to create heart-warming memories that stay with you long past the weekend. But trips are also an investment. They require time, logistics and money, so they aren’t always the easiest to pull off. I can’t change that, but what I can do is take some proactive steps to make it easier to say “yes” when these opportunities presents themselves. For example, this could include automatically saving money on an ongoing basis, making sure I have some vacation days set aside to use at work, reserving my frequent flyer miles for these trips’ airfares, and being the first to throw out some potential dates to all get us all together.
4. Remembering that something small is better than nothing at all. I heard Gretchen Rubin talk once about the phenomenon of how when you’re in touch with a person all the time, you have a lot to say to each other, but when you see a person rarely, you have a hard time coming up with things to say. There’s so much that has happened since the last time you talked that it’s hard to know where to pick up. With this finding, she started sending “boring email updates” with her mom and sister. The emails contained just a line or two about the small details of their lives, with no pressure to respond or share anything exciting. The result, according to Rubin, is that it’s “astonishing” how much closer she feels to her mom and sister with these minor, but regular, updates. I love this idea. I love the reminder that it doesn’t need to be anything big or over the top. How many times have I not reached out to someone because I didn’t have time for a long phone call them or didn’t know what to say first? Something small would’ve been better than nothing at all!

What do you think? What would you add to the list? Can’t wait to share your thoughts and tips (you can submit anonymously here) in the newsletter at the end of next month.

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