How I Dealt with Loneliness in a New City
This post originally appeared in the Monday morning newsletter on 7/13/20.
University of Chicago Professor Dr. John Cacioppo researched extensively about the effects of loneliness before he passed in 2018. In his book Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, Dr. Cacioppo suggests that loneliness can be as damaging to our health as smoking. According to studies in the book, roughly 20 percent of people — 60 million in the U.S. alone — are feeling lonely at any given moment, which so clearly showcases how common loneliness is.
The book was published in 2009. If Dr. Cacioppo was alive today, I wonder what he would be saying about the prevalence of loneliness in our world today… especially with current circumstances.
As I wrote about last week, I’m back in Chicago now. I’m navigating what it feels like to be “on my own” again and this past week, I had a funny realization. I realized what I feared about coming back was the same fear I had four years ago when I first moved here… the potential that I might be lonely.
Once I thought about that, I actually felt a lot better because I know I’ve built a resilience for dealing with lonely feelings over the past couple years. What I understand now – in part thanks to Dr. Cacioppo’s research – is that there is a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Social isolation does not automatically mean loneliness and it is also possible to feel lonely when surrounded by people. Additionally, I know that feelings of loneliness don’t always have to be something to fear, but instead may even serve as indication that tweaks are needed.
Before writing anything more, I feel that it’s extremely important to emphasize that – like everything with this newsletter – today’s writing is a product of my perspective and my experiences. I’m certainly not an expert here, and especially not an expert with something as important as mental health. Today I’ve written thoughts and tips that have personally helped me with loneliness, but I also recognize that loneliness is not an emotion that you can easily just “shift perspectives” on and be fine. There’s nothing easy about feeling lonely and the best way to get help with anything related to mental health (no matter how big or small) is by finding a mental health professional or expert that’s right for you.
As I researched this topic and learned more about Dr. Cacioppo’s teaching, I walked away with three big takeaways that I’m excited to share with you today in hopes that it’s helpful for you too.
The first is from an article about Dr. Cacioppo, which includes the following quote: “Being with others doesn’t mean you’re going to feel connected, and being alone doesn’t mean you’re going to feel lonely.” He went on to give the example that millionaires, billionaires and athletes (who are surrounded by many people) tend to often feel lonely.
Loneliness is based on many different factors and it’s not as cut and dried as we perceive it to be. Moving to a new city, quarantining alone and being far away from family may come with more loneliness-prone instances, but you also can’t guarantee to never feel lonely again by just surrounding yourself with people you know.
With the goal of “never feeling lonely again” removed due to its impracticality, we are able to instead look for ways to manage the inevitable feeling of loneliness.
My second takeaway from Dr. Cacioppo was the following advice for what to do when you do feel lonely. In his book, he said: “extend yourself and play with the idea of trying to get small doses of the positive sensations that come from positive social interactions.”
When I think about the things that personally help me feel less lonely, I realize this statement rings true, to me. These things include the simplest acts, like:
- Working and reading at coffee shops. Obviously, we cannot do this right now, but pre-COVID-19, you could find me at a coffee shop on Sunday afternoons reading, writing or doing other work. These days, this looks like me picking up an iced coffee and walking along a popular path or sitting in parks near other people. It’s such a simple way to get out of your home and interact/be around people.
- Community-based workouts. Whether it’s joining a studio, participating in a club or testing out a bunch of workouts with a Class Pass model, community-based workouts really help me manage loneliness. There is something magical and motivating about being in a room with/around a group of people all working toward a similar goal. I missed my group workouts so much during quarantine and am so happy places are starting to safely open up. I’ve also been able to find that same feeling with outdoor activities (like walking or running) on trails near others who doing the same.
- Holding the door open and smiling. Seriously, I’m including this on the list! Such a small act, but really, opening the door for someone or even just smiling when you catch someone’s eye can create a chain reaction. The thank you or smile you receive in return can be just the reminder you need that you aren’t alone.
- Continuing to invest in friendships. I feel like we have all learned this lesson over the past few months, but it was true pre-COVID-19 too! I know an instant mood booster for me is taking the time to catch up on the phone or write a letter to a best friend that lives far away. It’s so worth it to invest in those friendships where the connection is easy and strong.
You might be surprised that something like a meetup group isn’t on the above list. While I think there is so much good that comes with joining things like that, personally, I wouldn’t suggest doing it as a way to quickly overcome a lonely feeling that’s present. If I was dealing with heavy loneliness, surrounding myself with people I don’t know – especially if everyone else knows each other – would likely end up making me feel more alone. Now, is that to say you shouldn’t try joining these groups ever? Of course not! But my recommendation would be to tweak your intention. If you are trying out a new group while feeling lonely, I would adjust expectations. I wouldn’t go into the situation expecting to immediately feel better. And instead, I would define success as something simple like just showing up or finding one thing I have in common with someone else.
Lastly, the third Dr. Cacioppo takeaway I wanted to mention was his concept of loneliness being the social equivalent of physical pain, hunger and thirst.
When I think of loneliness like that, recognizing the emotion becomes a tool. Just as being thirsty signals that I haven’t had enough water that day, feeling lonely can be a signal that a temperature check is needed. What’s going on? Am I alone or with other people? Am I feeling like this because I miss something specific?
Thinking back on the past couple of the years, I can connect the dots between a time of feeling lonely and how that emotion motivated me to try something new. If I never had experienced those moments, who knows if I would’ve been triggered to start down some really meaningful paths, like investing in a new friendship, joining a volunteer organization and even starting this newsletter.
All of this to say, if you feel lonely – especially right now – you aren’t alone. We all have to find what works for us, and I hope something from Dr. Cacioppo or something mentioned in today’s newsletter will help the next time you feel lonely.
And if the fear of loneliness is holding you back from something, I hope you consider trying it anyways. After all, you never know, the loneliness you are afraid of may just lead to something, someone or an experience you end up being thankful for.
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