Defining an ideal self instead of New Year’s resolutions
This essay initially appeared in the Monday morning newsletter on 1/2/23.
Happy first Monday of 2023!!
Just like I love the fresh start of a Monday, I love a beginning of a new year. The next 12 months stretch out in front of us with promise, possibility and potential. YAY!
But unlike other years, I’m not jumping right into making New Year’s resolutions (besides my fun 23 in 2023 list that I shared last week).
Here’s why: a few months ago, I heard something that made me think about how I want to channel my New Year enthusiasm.
I was listening to this episode of The Atlantic’s podcast, How to Build a Happy Life. The guest was Harvard Business School professor and author Ashley Whillans (she wrote the book Time Smart, which I really enjoyed). Whillans was talking about how, since having a child, she’d become more intentional about guarding her time better. For example, she doesn’t default to working on weekends or filling every single minute of free time with productivity.
In return, the interviewer asked her: have the changes hurt her work? Or have they made her work better and her more efficient?
(In my opinion, my question was posed a bit condescendingly…) However, I loved Whillans’ response.
She said:
“My ideal self looks different now. My ideal self used to look like working all the time, being on a plane every week and publishing as much as humanly possible. That was my ideal self, and my actual time use looked pretty close to that. And then I realized: That might be good on one dimension of my life [productivity] and really hurt other dimensions of my life —[well-being, social relationships] — that I know, as a happiness researcher, matter a lot for happiness.
“So, I changed my ideal. My ideal now looks like publishing a couple of impactful papers on projects I care about that I think are going to matter, not traveling very much, making sure I have time to spend with my friends and family, and investing in myself every day. I had to change the aspirational goal. I had to change what my ideal self looks like, so that my time use now is matching a different ideal than what my ideal was before.”
There was something about this notion of an “ideal self” and one’s ideal self’s time use that stuck with me, long after listening to the podcast on my walk home.
Had I ever thought about my ideal self? Defined who that person is?
I could see the value in doing so… armed with the idea of the ideal, one could more easily define what actions do – or do not – align. Like a guiding principle of sorts.
I thought about New Year’s resolutions. How many years had I jumped right to those actions without pausing to consider if they are more in service of doing something just to do it or actually laddering up to the person I want to be?
However, when I sat down to write my description of an “ideal self,” I was stuck. Turns out, it is pretty intimating to put those words on paper.
I needed something more tangible, a little more structure to get me started. And as usual, the universe delivered.
Last week, I was listening to another podcast episode, this time author Cal Newport’s podcast Deep Questions (very randomly, might I add, this is not a podcast I usually listen to). My ears perked up when I heard him mention a document called “Roles and Values.”
In this document, he writes a short narrative about the type of person he wants to be in each of his “roles.” His roles include parent, spouse, professional, member of the community and spiritual. Writing out a few sentences that start with “I want to be the type of person who…” or “At work, I’m the kind of team member who…” he concretely summarizes his values.
The next morning, armed with a fresh cup of coffee, I tried to combine the two ideas (ideal self + roles & values document) into something that would work for me.
On a blank piece of paper, I wrote out a few sentences describing who my ideal self is as:
- A person
- A partner
- A professional
- A community member
- Spiritually
It took me a few tries to get it right, but once I did, I copied the final version into the first page of my planner. By placing these thoughts in an easy-to-see spot, my hope is that I’ll refer back on a regular basis throughout the next year. My goal is to look monthly and remind myself of my aim in the different facets of my life. I love the idea of developing monthly goals made up of specific actions, habits and behaviors that go with living out these ideals. I also love the idea of refreshing this document annually (as I expect my ideals to evolve as I do) and heading into each year with it as my anchor – but I don’t want to get too ahead of myself. Let’s see how this year goes.
So that’s it! That’s what I’m doing instead of New Year’s resolutions, and I’m really excited about it.
What do you think? Do you have a certain way you like to approach the new year?
Above all, thanks so much for being here. I’m glad we’re starting the first Monday of 2023 together and can’t wait for the rest!