Celebration is an Expression of Love

This essay originally appeared in the Monday morning newsletter on 2/14/22.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

I feel like people are either pro-Valentine’s Day or anti-Valentine’s Day. How do you feel about it? I can see the points against the minor holiday… but I don’t know… I’ve always liked it. Not necessarily for romantic reasons, but because the day prompts us to reach out to loved ones and because it changes up the ordinary (today isn’t just a Monday – it’s Valentine’s Day!).

Yes, it might be a “Hallmark holiday,” but I appreciate that. The approaching Feb. 14 date did get me to buy cards and send to a few friends when I otherwise probably wouldn’t have. And just the other day I was cleaning out a drawer in my closet and found a few Valentine’s Day cards from years past that my grandma had sent me. She was never one to write a lot in cards – she actually didn’t even sign her name… she would just write “love” haha – but running my fingers over her impeccable cursive and thinking about her buying the card and mailing it brought me instant comfort. What a gift that was to rediscover those! Thank you, Valentine’s Day!

Just like how Valentine’s Day prompts us to reach out to loved ones with a text or a card, I think holiday also prompts reflection about the various relationships in our life and how we’re showing up with our love – not just on Feb. 14, but beyond. There’s a lot of different ways to share love with friends, family, and partners, but one I’ve been thinking about is the power of shared celebration.

I read this article recently about the idea, and it pointed to research concluding there were a number of positive effects on relationships when successes, achievements, and daily joys were celebrated together. Researchers note the main point is to “meet joy with joy,” displaying “excitement, pride, and interest in the good news.”

That response – one that goes beyond just acknowledging the good news – is “active-constructive.”

On the contrary, someone could also respond to good news in the passive way (think ignoring or changing the subject) or a destructive way (talking it down, sarcasm, etc.). 

Both of those ways were shown to have profoundly negative consequences on relationships, and I think it makes sense. I bet we can all think of times when we’ve shared something exciting with someone and were met with either a shared sense of excitement (heightening our experience of the exciting thing altogether) or a flat response in a passive or destructive way (bringing the experience down a few notches). I mean, which friend would we be more likely to reach out to again with something exciting – or maybe even more important – something difficult when support is needed during a trying time?

I’ve felt this idea of shared celebration strengthening relationships firsthand the past couple of days. I went to a bachelorette party last weekend for a friend from high school who is getting married in a few months and it was so fun. Going into the weekend I was of course psyched to see friends I went to high school with, but I wasn’t sure what to expect. This group of girls are in my ‘lifelong friends’ category (14 years and counting!), but we’re all in different chapters, locations and times in our life that getting together and keeping in touch is understandably hard to do.

But the weekend was so great. My friendship cup is filled up and I’m headed into this new week feeling closer and more connected to these lifelong friends than I have in a while. And I think a big part of that was because we were celebrating someone’s good news together! It was so special to share our excitement for the bride-to-be, see her so happy, and swap our favorite stories and memories about her.  

I hadn’t thought about celebrating someone’s good news as an expression of love before, but my experience from the weekend and the research mentioned previously makes me want to be more intentional about doing so with family, at work, and with friends. It’s going to be my Valentine’s Day resolution! (Don’t think those are a thing…but going with it).

And the celebrating doesn’t have to be for just big things – weddings, graduations, promotions are obviously celebration-worthy, but so are things like someone trying something new, accomplishing something at work or getting a compliment. And it doesn’t take much – I think an excited voice memo, a happy dance, or a card can all go a long way to heighten the experience of the good thing for the other and build the trust that we’ll be there for them in the tough time too.  

But what do you think? Would you associate celebrating others as an expression of love or is there another way you like to strengthen your ties? I’d love to know. 

At the end of the day, I think one thing most people agree on – from ancient philosophers to modern scientists – is that strong relationships are key to a more enjoyable and happier life experience. So whether it’s taking a cue from a minor holiday like Valentine’s Day or trying out something like focusing on shared celebration, I’m glad to have new things to test out and build my toolbox of ways to strengthen the connections I have in my life. We’ll see if this ‘Valentine’s Day resolution’ works!

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