The Comfort of Connecting with Someone From the Past

The essay originally appeared in the Monday morning newsletter on 2/7/22.

Recently, I met up with a friend from college to grab dinner and catch up. The friend and I both live in Chicago and are originally from Florida, but I’m embarrassed to admit this was the first time we’ve seen each other in Chicago, despite us both living in the city for a couple of years (!) now. 

Life happens, right? Being different ages, having different paths post-college and, of course, the pandemic turning everything upside down all seemed to get in the way and delay a reunion. The more time passed, the more embarrassment I felt about not reaching out, so I continued to not reach out (real logical.. I know).

But then in December, she reached about a show she was watching that was connected to a memory between us, and we seized the opportunity to acknowledge the fact that it was crazy we hadn’t seen each other yet and made a plan to get together.  

I’m so glad we did.

The whole ride home from dinner, I had a permanent smile on my face. I was so happy. Dinner had been so fun! I wanted to bottle up this feeling, so as I got ready for bed, I tried to pin down just why it felt so good to catch up.

Was it the feeling of connection? There’s an intimacy and underlying level of trust in longstanding friendships – especially those formed during such a formative time like college – that’s hard to re-create. Even though we had to catch each other up on years of updates, it was so comforting to have someone ask about my brothers – mentioning them both by name – or casually reference something on the menu that they thought I would love.

Maybe it was the reminiscing about shared memories from college. Research does show that nostalgia serves to increase feelings of social connectedness. In one study, when participants were tasked with writing about a nostalgic event, they felt more loved and protected than participants who wrote about autobiographical events that did not elicit feelings of nostalgia. And the reminiscing had also made me feel more like, well, me. As this article suggests, nostalgia strengthens personal identity as is it facilitates continuity between past and present selves. It was a cool experience to “re-introduce” myself to someone I knew six years ago in college, subsequently reminding myself of who I’ve always been and also how I’ve grown and changed over the past couple years.

Whatever the reason might be for why it felt so great to reconnect, above all, I’m glad I finally stopped letting the feelings of embarrassment or shame stand in the way of reaching out. 

There’s a scene in the book The Dutch House (which, by the way, I finished last week. 5/5 stars. I already miss listening to it!!) where one of the main characters gets lunch with someone from their past. An unfortunate situation and almost three decades have elapsed since the two saw each other, and after the time together, the main character thinks about how it was not only remarkable to see this person again, but how they felt “a complete absence” of the anger they expected to feel. They were instead so comforted by the connection to someone special from their past. 

Of course, not every situation or friendship is as simple as “life got in the way” for the reason of falling out of touch, but the passage reminded me of how we sometimes build things up in our head. We think the other person might not want to hear from us or we worry about our past shortcomings. We let perfect be the enemy of the good. But I’m hoping by writing this I’ll be more likely to remind myself in the future to reach out without delay when I think of someone or see something that reminds me of something, sprinkling in more moments of connection to my days.

So, if you are looking for a Monday pick-me-up today, consider reconnecting with someone from your past. In actuality, it can be quite simple: a quick note sent that acknowledges the fact you haven’t talked in a while but were thinking of them. Not only will you likely make their day, but the time you spend reminiscing about a comforting, fun memory with this person will brighten your Monday too. 🙂

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