The Power of a Question

This essay originally appeared in the Monday morning newsletter on 8/17/20.

“He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.”

– Chinese Proverb

Let me tell you a quick story about a fool who did not ask a question: 

When I was in Florida, my younger brother and I decided we wanted ice cream one night. So, we drove to the nearest ice cream shop and as we were about to walk in, we saw a sign that read, “Pickup and Delivery Orders Only.”

Feeling silly for not thinking to call prior to leaving home, we retreated to the car and placed the order from our phones. Fifteen minutes later, after listening to some music and walking in circles around an empty parking lot to kill time, we finally headed in to retrieve our coveted ice cream. 

As I was paying, a patron popped his head in and politely asked, “I see the sign on the door, but would it be okay if just placed an order in-person?” 

“Sure!” An employee answered cheerfully. 

My brother and I looked at each other again, feeling silly for the second time that night. 

Questions. Why do we sometimes avoid asking clarifying questions? Or, when we do converse with others, why do we play it safe with small talk questions that elicit the same four responses (good, bad, fine, okay)? 

There is a lot of power in a question. And, for the purposes of this newsletter, I think there is a powerful connection between the questions we ask and our happiness.

Specifically, I think paying attention to the questions we ask can have a positive impact on our happiness in three ways: 

First, paying attention to the questions we ask can make us better listeners. Being a better listener can lead to deeper and more meaningful relationships. And since relationships are such a big part of overall happiness, happiness can improve as a result of more fulfilling relationships. 

When in a conversation, I’m embarrassed to admit that my first instinct is to focus less on what someone is saying and more on what I am going to say next. Yuck. Who wants to be the person who does that?! 

Recently, I heard something about how to be a better listener that stuck with me. On a podcast, former monk and motivational speaker Jay Shetty said that the key to being a better listener is to ask more interesting questions. According to Jay, many of us are asking questions about things that we likely already know the answer to, so it’s no wonder why we aren’t as interested in the response. 

It sounds like an easy concept, right? Change up the questions and become more curious and invested in the conversation as a result. So, what are some good thought-provoking questions to ask? Check out this past newsletter for some inspiration. 

Second, questions keep us from making assumptions and holding onto inaccurate information. The ice cream story above is a simple and funny example of this. But let’s apply it to something more serious. How many of us do this same thing in relationships, at work or in other everyday life situations? Before we know it, we have a whole narrative drafted up that isn’t even grounded in reality!

Brene Brown teaches on this a lot. In her research, she’s found that people dislike uncertainty so much that they would rather make up stories that are a false-reality than ask the questions that will lead us to truth or hard work. We pretend and avoid rather than confront. (Sounds right to me!)

To combat this, Brene provides us with a simple question to ask ourselves: “What is the story I’m telling myself?” Asking yourself this question and examining the answer (by yourself or with a loved one) can be a great way to unravel your narrative and discern facts from fiction. 

Third, questions can help us become more in tune with ourselves. In addition to relationships, knowing ourselves (what matters to us, what we enjoy, what we value, etc.) is a crucial component of happiness. But when was the last time you thought about being a better listener to yourself? 

Just as we ask others simple questions and skip ahead quickly to whatever is next, a lot of us probably do the same thing to ourselves. Changing the way we check in on ourselves and the questions we ask may be just what we need to unveil and process some new feelings and thoughts we didn’t know we were holding onto. 

For me, a way to tap into listening to myself is through journaling. Right now, my journaling routine includes a quick gratitude practice and some free writing. When I do this, I feel like I am downloading and emptying out all the random thoughts floating around in my head. It is such a release! Some days I’m eager to write a lot and some days all I want to do is write a few bullet points. I just ask myself, “what is on your mind today?” I don’t judge myself or enforce any rules or parameters. One day last week I even just wrote down one sentence that simply said, “I don’t feel like thinking about my thoughts right now.” Lol. 

If you are interested in trying out journaling as a way to connect/listen to yourself, think about what questions feel most interesting to you. Maybe it’s asking yourself what you are grateful for that day or asking yourself the three questions from the beginning of the newsletter. It can be anything! I remember reading in her book Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy that what worked best for Sheryl Sandberg was writing down three things she did well that day. She found it helpful to take a quick beat every night, check in with herself and celebrate her successes instead of dwelling on what was going wrong.

So, yes, asking questions comes with a bit of uncertainty that can be scary and make us uncomfortable. But I think if we’ve learned anything during this year, it’s that we all can be resilient and survive in the face of uncertainty. So, this week I challenge you to be brave, pay attention to the questions you are asking and see what happens. You’ve got this!  

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