I’ve wanted to share some reflections on being a working mom and our experience with daycare for a while now. In some ways, this feels like a follow-up to the newsletter I wrote back in February, right before returning to work, when I had a lot of thoughts and questions about what this next chapter would look like.
But if you only knew how many times I have started and stopped writing this newsletter! This is definitely a layered and nuanced topic.
So, let’s start with some disclaimers: Childcare is incredibly personal and also so dependent on a family’s unique circumstances. There are so. many. great ways to make it work! Deciding to care for your child full-time is a great option. Full-time childcare is a great option. Part-time childcare is a great option. Some combination of different approaches can be great, too.
Today, I’m simply sharing some reflections and what’s working for our family right now.
And even as I write this, it’s important to call out that I’m still a newbie! I’m about seven months into working full-time while having a child, and Ben has only been in daycare for three months. I’m still learning things weekly – sometimes daily!
But really, what I’m writing today is something I wish I could’ve read when I was getting ready to go back to work. There are plenty of stories about how hard it is to be a working mom (and I get it – it is hard) and plenty of daycare horror stories. I would’ve loved to hear from someone who could tell me: actually, this might go better than you think.
So, today I’m sharing a little about how we landed on daycare & what that transition looked like, what’s going better than I expected, how some of my biggest worries have played out and what I’m still figuring out seven months in.
First, some context
Before Ben was born, I knew I wanted to find a daycare center near us. Matt and I both work mostly from home, and the idea of Ben being out of the house during the workday seemed to make the most sense to us. We each commandeered space for offices in our home, which means there aren’t many places for Ben and a family member or a nanny to be that wouldn’t also be where we were working. Plus, I loved the stability of a daycare center with a set schedule, as well as the idea of him socializing with other kids and getting comfortable with adults who aren’t family.
Ben was born on October 1, and I was on maternity leave with him until mid-February. I loved maternity leave! I loved caring for him every day. And while I had always known I would return to work, once he was here, I had reservations about going back that I couldn’t have anticipated before becoming a mom.
Matt’s leave got us through the end of March. Somewhere in there, I also unexpectedly changed jobs – which was kind of crazy timing, but an opportunity came my way that I couldn’t turn down. And honestly, I think my new job has been a huge reason this transition has gone as well as it has.
Then we had about three months to bridge before our daycare spot opened in July. This sequencing wasn’t planned – we were simply at the mercy of the waitlist – but in hindsight, the timing ended up being wonderful! Our parents generously took turns watching Ben, which included my parents temporarily moving to Indy for five weeks (!!).
Timing really is everything because there is a big difference between watching a 6-month-old and a 9-month-old all day. Our parents got this really sweet window when Ben’s personality was emerging and he was learning things like rolling over and eating solids, but before he was crawling everywhere and constantly on the move.
Then, in early July, at 9 months old, Ben started daycare.
By then, he was crawling, incredibly curious and ready to explore. I loved seeing him immediately move around the classroom and interact with the other kids. We certainly could have started earlier, but I think I would have had a harder time dropping him off when he was younger and less mobile. Seeing him crawl away to investigate his new surroundings gave me a little reassurance that he was ready for something new.
That said…the first day of daycare was SO HARD. Like, so, so much harder than I expected.
I knew that first drop-off would be emotional, but I think I expected it to feel a little easier than it did. I had already been back at work for months! We’d already practiced having Ben out of the house and cared for by other people! I knew he was craving new experiences! His teachers made us feel incredibly comfortable!
But none of that mattered when I handed him over and drove away.
There was this visceral feeling of leaving him somewhere and then just…driving away without him. I had never felt anything like it. The teachers sent us updates throughout the day, but some of those updates only made me worry more. Ben wasn’t taking his bottles – which was very unlike him – or eating any of the food they offered him. I thought about him constantly. Was he scared? Did he wonder where we were? I could barely focus on anything else.
I’m happy to report that feeling was mostly a first-day feeling.
We still have hard days. Just recently, one of Ben’s teachers messaged me that he seemed fussy and wasn’t acting like himself. I worried about him through my morning calls, and when she confirmed he was still acting off after his morning nap, I rearranged things so I could pick him up early.
But overall? Three months in, I feel really, really good about daycare.
And I feel really good about working, too.
What’s going better than I expected
+ I love how work and parenting complement each other.
I spend my workday using my brain – thinking, writing, problem-solving. Parenting Ben at this age is incredibly physical. We’re crawling, climbing, carrying, eating, cleaning (OMG so much cleaning), going outside, getting in and out of the car, picking things up and putting them back down over and over.
The contrast feels surprisingly good. By the end of the workday, I’m ready to move my body and get away from a screen. And after a weekend spent chasing a very active almost-one-year-old, sitting down to work in a quiet house on Monday morning doesn’t sound so bad.
+ I’m more productive at work – and feel more present as a parent.
I love that there’s a hard stop on both ends now. When Ben is at daycare, I need to get my work done. I can’t put things off because I know that around 4:30, I’m closing my laptop and going to get him.
And I want to close my laptop and go get him! I get several hours to use my brain, talk to other adults and wear clothes that won’t be covered in food within five minutes. Then the rest of my day is completely different.
Having both makes me appreciate both more.
+ I love watching Ben build a little world outside of us.
I love that he has teachers who know him and that he sees other babies. I’m so glad he’s learning that there are other adults who are safe and kind and can comfort him – and that at the end of the day, we’ll always come back to get him.
Even on the harder days, I find comfort in that. When he wasn’t feeling like himself recently, one of his teachers gave him some extra cuddles until I could get there. I love knowing he can be cared for and comforted by someone else when we aren’t there, while also learning that Mom and Dad always come back.
I’m also learning a ton from his daycare teachers. During his first month, one of his teachers was the person who told me his tooth was starting to come through!
What I worried about
I had a running list of worries before daycare started.
+ The sickness. This one is real. We’ve had our share of daycare germs and extra pediatrician visits already. But I think I had built it up in my head as if we were going to be sick constantly and, thankfully, that hasn’t been our experience so far. When sickness does happen, the harder part is often the logistical puzzle of figuring out who can move what around.
And I know we’re incredibly fortunate here: Matt and I both mostly work from home and have some flexibility when we need to rearrange our days. We’re also lucky to have family nearby who can step in when needed – my mother-in-law in particular has been such a huge help when Ben has had to stay home from daycare. I don’t take for granted how much easier that support makes those inevitable sick days.
+ Keeping up his schedule. Ben (and, let’s be honest, me) has always thrived on a schedule, and I had a lot of worries about being able to maintain it when he transitioned to daycare. His teachers were very accommodating and said they would do their best to keep him on his schedule, but I quickly learned that in a room full of babies, that’s hard to do (and hard for him, too!). We’ve shifted his schedule to align more closely with the classroom, and he’s done great! Sure, his naps aren’t always what they would be at home. Meals and bottles happen at slightly different times. But he’s doing just fine and still sleeping great at night! I think this is another area where starting at 9 months helped. His schedule had a little more flexibility by then, and small variations in when he slept or ate didn’t feel quite as consequential as they would have a few months earlier.
+ The cost. Daycare is expensive – no revelation there. 😂 But when I break down the cost by the number of hours he’s there and consider the small classroom ratio (four infants to one teacher), the price starts to make more sense. And it will go down as he gets older! The bigger shift, though, has been how I think about what we’re paying for. It’s not simply someone “watching” Ben while we work. He’s spending his days in a space designed for him, with activities, other kids and teachers who know and care about him. That doesn’t make the bill any smaller, but it has made the value feel much more tangible to me.
+ Not caring about work as much. This was another worry I had before going back: Would I still care about my career in the same way after becoming a mom? I loved maternity leave so much, and suddenly there was this person who obviously mattered to me more than any job ever could. I wondered if work would feel less meaningful by comparison – or if I would resent the time I spent working because it was time I wasn’t spending with Ben.
Seven months in, I do think my perspective on work has changed, but not necessarily in the way I expected. I still care about doing good work. I still want to grow and feel challenged. I enjoy having something in my life that uses a completely different part of me than parenting does, and I take pride in contributing financially to our family.
I also recognize that I’m incredibly fortunate to have a job that makes this feel manageable. I work from home, have a workload that allows me to split daycare drop-off and pickup duties with Matt, and have a manager who is in a similar life stage and understands the realities of having a young child. I don’t take for granted how much those things shape my experience of being a working mom.
Work may occupy a slightly different place in my life now, but I’ve been surprised by how much I still value having it there.
+ Our bond changing. This was probably the worry underneath all the other worries: Would being away from him all day change our relationship? But seven months into working and three months into daycare, I don’t feel like it has weakened our bond at all. If anything, one of my favorite moments of every day is walking into his classroom at pickup and seeing his reaction when he realizes I’m there.
Being apart during the workday doesn’t make the time we’re together feel any less significant.
What I’m still figuring out
Because I certainly don’t have this all figured out!
+ Making room for everything else. Earlier, I wrote about how one thing I love about working and parenting is that there’s a hard stop on both ends: I have to get my work done while Ben is at daycare, and then I have to – and want to! – stop working and go pick him up.
But I’m realizing the flip side of that is that it can sometimes feel like those are the only two buckets my days have room for. Work ends and parenting begins, and once Ben is down for the night, I’m usually not far behind him.
I feel pretty good about making time for a couple of things that are just for me. I read almost every day, and writing this newsletter continues to be something I love doing. I don’t exercise as consistently as I did before having Ben, but I still make some time for it.
What I think I need to work on more is making room for the other relationships in my life. I want to be more intentional about nurturing friendships and making time for Matt.
I think part of what I’m still figuring out is resisting the idea that my time should always be either work or parenting. I don’t need to fill every hour I’m away from Ben with work, or every hour I’m not working with being a mom. There has to be room for the other people and things that matter to me, too. Definitely a work in progress here!
+ Finding our home rhythms. This is a very practical one, but I’m still figuring out when all the work of running our house is supposed to happen! When Ben is home, I want to spend quality time with him – not feel like I’m constantly doing laundry, cleaning or tackling a to-do list. But, of course, those things still have to get done.
I’m trying to find a better rhythm where we’re keeping up with the house without sacrificing all of our time together – or feeling like Matt and I have to spend every weekend nap or weekday evening catching up. I’m still figuring out what balance feels good for us.
+ Worrying about problems that don’t exist yet. I don’t know why, but my tendency is to think about all the “someday” questions. How will we possibly do this with more kids someday? What happens when Ben moves to his next classroom? What will we do when daycare is closed and we’re both working? What happens when schedules get more complicated?
I can spend a lot of energy trying to figure out future versions of our family using only the information and circumstances I have today. But I’d like to get better at letting those questions wait and focusing instead on making sure our routines feel good right now.
We’ll solve the someday problems when someday is here!
Phew! If you’ve made it this far, congratulations – you’ve officially made it through what may be my longest newsletter yet. 😂
Like I said at the beginning, I know childcare and working after having a baby are incredibly personal, and this is only one family’s experience, seven months in. I’m sure I’ll have completely different reflections seven months from now!
But if you’re in a similar season and feeling nervous about what’s ahead, I hope there’s something reassuring in hearing that, for us, so much of what I worried about has turned out to be more manageable than I imagined.
I certainly don’t have it all figured out. But right now, I really like the little rhythm we’ve found and I’m so thankful for that.
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